I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
being pregnant is like rehab
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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