I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
