If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
