you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
