People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize