Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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