Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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