I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize