I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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