Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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