I hate your face
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize