matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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