I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
