My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
