There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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