My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
