i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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