while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
