I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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