Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
