I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
