you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
