idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
