eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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