So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
