is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
