you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
