i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
