I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
