Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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