I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize