If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
