plz talk dirty to me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
