She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
