I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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