one might say we're banned from that church
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
