first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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