mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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