he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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