first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
