So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
