Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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