i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
