When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize