yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
