I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
