I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
