It's Friday. Sex?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
