The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
