I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
