I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
