yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
