if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize